There are times,
when the sun shines through me
with such force
that I’m sure it has warmed
and injected happiness into my bones.
The wind blows against me
and leaves faint whispers
of where it’s going
and where it’s been.
And despite the coolness
I feel with its touch
Just re-reading some old posts. I forgot how much I love this one about my daughter. <3
My mother told me I’m worthless. I want to die.
I’m tired. I’m tired of opening up to people only to have them hurt me. I’m tired of being untreated for depression, but not receiving help because of my mother, and then having to deflect questions from people: why do you sleep so much? Why so tired? Why aren’t you hungry? Why do you look sad? Are you okay? I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being too coward to take it all away. I’m tired of loving those who keep me here. I’m tired.
I am seriously considering sleeping with someone that I’m not interested in for more than just sex. I’m dating, but I want to take it slow with whatever I get into and a girl has needs. I’ve never done the casual sex thing though and I’m afraid I won’t be able to pull it off. I’m an emotional creature.
I feel like I am stuck between two selves. The self that wants to be accepted and not cause waves and the self that is fighting to be free and sail off even if it causes a tsunami. Maybe stuck in the middle is where I need to be so I can create a harmonious union with us three.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.
I hate him more than I can keep in my bones. I don’t know how to get out.
Even though you are who and where he has never been and never will be, there is no denying the “what-if” that lurks beneath our thinly veiled interactions and the possibility of a past that never became the present. There is shame that stains the scarlet thoughts I entertain, feeling him watch me watch you, our bodies touching.
I really want someone to fall in love with me for who I am. Not what I can give them, or do for them, or the size of my breasts. Someone that sees through me…to the inner workings of my mind and my heart and knows me inside and out. Someone that knows my flaws and loves me that much more for them. Loves me in spite of them. Loves even them. Someone that can handle me at my worst. My most hormonal. Most emotional. Most angry. Most crazy. And even then, still loves me.
But I don’t just want a comfortable love. I mean, yeah, I want that too. But I want both. I want crazy fucking passionate love. Where you can barely keep your hands off each other and can’t wait to see one another. Where you love to cuddle and to just be near each other. I want it all. Love and passion and sex and comfort and security…and I fear that I’m asking for too much. I’m looking for too much. I’m afraid that I will never find someone that will love all of me and still be there later.